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92 comments

[–] GelatinousRube 74 points (+74|-0)

If I don't gaze at my navel, is it still there? I continue to be astounded that people self obsess to this degree.

And I fricking love memoirs and personal essays. These gender circle jerks are not interesting in the way memoir is. Rather than transformation and reflection, they seem to double down on the self obsession.

That's it, this is the last one I'm reading. I'll treat the next one with the same page-flipping indifference I do for men who write essays on their relationships with vehicles. Zzzz

I rate this essay 1 lewd wanking motion.

[–] remquarqk 12 points (+12|-0)

Yeah it's fucking weird (re: self obsession)

Like, who really cares to read pages about someone's internal sense of gender? Usually personal stories and anecdotes are uninteresting if they don't involve any sort of relationships. Relationships to other people, relationships to a craft, relationships to a place or even a conflict. That's what makes reflection interesting. Not only that, whenever they talk about gender they miss talking about the elephant in the room (the actual interesting part of gender)---how oppressive it is for everyone.

"When, during the pandemic, Mx. Slarii pursued a second gender-affirming surgery, a Brazilian butt lift, it was an entirely different emotional experience. This time, the surgery was no longer a means of selling a narrative to be believed and seen; now Mx. Slarii’s body was simply their own."

A 'gender-affirming' Brazilian butt lift?! Do these people want to be taken even a little bit seriously?

[–] InvisibleWoman 29 points (+29|-0)

As a flat-butted person, I find it offensive LOL

[–] pennygadget 13 points (+14|-1)

As a flat-butted person, I find it offensive LOL

As someone with a plump bubble-butt, I don't appreciate my Fatass Culture being appropriated by flat-assed gender-specials! 🤣

[–] Jade 5 points (+5|-0)

As a Brazilian woman, I find it misogyny AND sexually objectifying and fetichizing Brazilian women. Take it from me, I've experienced countless times "hilarious" dudes asking where I'm from, hearing the answer, proceeding to grab me by the arm or the waist to TURN ME AROUND (or just bend to look at my butt), deem it's not big enough for them, and say "naaaah, you're lying".

[–] foxsteward 21 points (+21|-0)

this part got me when i first read and it still rankles. i think of all the ridiculous expectations of beauty and objectification placed on women and how many choose to get plastic surgery in order to feel more comfortable within that societal pressure, yet that's not considered "gender affirming," that's not celebrated as a "bold, brave, stunning" step toward authenticity. it's just so vile. and these people actually believe it. and that part about how "cis" society places unreasonable expectations on trans people...? are you kidding me? the author is herself a woman (at least i infer, since she's transitioning with testosterone), you mean to tell me your transition isn't a direct response to the absurd expectations placed upon WOMEN? it just gals me.

[–] notyourfetish 4 points (+4|-0)

"cis" society places unreasonable expectations on trans people

Most of "cis" society didn't even know or care that trans people existed before all of this. We would see them occasionally on Jerry Springer and then go about our lives. Lmao.

I feel like the article is just appropriating the struggles of women to make trans ideology sound legit. Nothing new here.

[–] Ishahchai 12 points (+12|-0)

I had copied that exact quote. Countdown to free liposuction for obese men who need to be “affirmed” in their “identity” of hot young girl.

[–] surfnterf 9 points (+9|-0)

Brazilian butt lifts are the most dangerous mainstream plastic surgery you can get. If any of the fat that's being injected enters the bloodstream, you'll die almost instantly. Thank goodness that actually being a woman does not require getting BBLs.

[–] The_Elantrian 5 points (+5|-0)

I laughed out loud at this. How is a brazilian butt lift gender-affirming?? Just lol!

[–] Willow9 5 points (+5|-0)

I feel annoyed being Brazilian having my nationality associated with butts and with this dangerous medical procedure

[–] Jade 1 points (+1|-0)

Same. Being Brazilian I find it misogynistic, sexually objectifying and fetichizing Brazilian women. I've experienced countless times "hilarious" dudes asking where I'm from, hearing the answer, proceeding to grab me by the arm or the waist to TURN ME AROUND (or just bend to look at my butt), deem it's not big enough for them, and say "naaaah, you're lying".

[–] yikesforever 51 points (+51|-0)

Reading this shit about their identities makes me rage because they make it seem like they are the only ones in pain, the only ones feeling fucked up about how they look. I can't handle their narcisscism.

no one even knows who is non-binary unless they tell you.

flips tables

[–] notyourfetish 7 points (+7|-0)

Yeah it's insanity.

I have big breasts and scoliosis, a legit medical concern. Yet I can't afford a breast reduction or even get it covered by insurance because it would be considered "cosmetic" to take unnecessary weight off my back (not to mention I would just feel better about my body overall. I hate having large breasts in general).

But these men in dresses can decide they "feel" like women and just go get some boob implants for free.

God. Getting a reduction would change my entire life. I plan on trying to pay for it myself, but listening to these TIMs and their disciples whinge constantly . . .

Everyone has problems, but TIMs are the only ones constantly, constantly whining.

[–] TerfSedai 42 points (+43|-1)

Imagine having such an insecure identity that you cannot define yourself except in the presence of other people. I'm not the world's most secure person by any means, but if I'm sitting in a room alone, I can still think of lots of things that add up to who I am as a person.

Not being able to do that so obviously reads as mental illness to me. What happened to learning to love oneself and being a good partner or friend to oneself? A person who relies solely on external factors to define and/or validate their identity is going to be sorely disappointed in the long run.

[–] IrishTheFrenchie 23 points (+23|-0)

Proof transgenderism is exploding in modern times because it's the "real life" version of "likes" and "shares" on social media.

They're in it for the attention from total strangers. There's actual proof it causes a dopamine high when someone "likes" your post. These insecure people CRAVE that high and keep chasing it until they've literally mutilated their bodies (both trans or becoming like a Kardashian) to inhuman proportions.

[–] BellaBoo 5 points (+5|-0)

Ooh. Well put. Never thought of it like that. It's an addiction.

[–] DietCokeAddict 3 points (+3|-0)

I just saw this comment quoted (and completely misunderstood) by the misogynists on Reddit! Congrats - I’ve been quoted on that sub before and feel like it’s a badge of honour lol

https://www.reddit.com/r/GenderCynical/comments/mipmes/terfs_clearly_unaware_boymoders_exist/

[–] TerfSedai 4 points (+4|-0)

Oh, also, something else just occured to me -- I literally NEVER read TRA blogs or sub-reddits. Life is too short to spend time on that. I simply do not care.

So why do they have entire groups dedicated to reading our site and re-posting comments we've made? That doesn't seem like the behavior of a supremely self-confident group of people who are eminently secure in their decisions and decision-making abilities.

[–] DietCokeAddict 4 points (+4|-0)

Lol they can’t stand the idea that someone, somewhere, might think they’re not women.

I browse TRA sites/subs sometimes to see how they respond to our concerns around women’s rights, children’s health etc. Funnily enough those issues have never been addressed yet, they’ll just take some quotes out of context, wilfully misunderstand them and say we’re “mean”

I don't either, but I did click on that link. It sounds to me like a bunch of tweens. Something is not right if those are adults.

[–] TerfSedai 2 points (+2|-0) Edited

LOL! Not my first rodeo...

ETA: can you imagine the level of misguided hubris it takes though to insist that everyone else deny their own realities to acknowledge your chosen gender? I mean, it's this insane delusion of grandeur and self-importance that's covering up myriad insecurities. We know this because misgendering someone is "literal violence" LOL.

[–] SisterCellophane 31 points (+31|-0)

Gender-affirming Brazilian butt lift lmao.

[–] pennygadget 8 points (+8|-0)

I wonder if I can grift my way into claiming cosmetic dental work is "gender affirming"? My family couldn't afford braces when I was a kid and I've always been self-conscious (or, should I say, "dysphoric") about my crooked teeth.

[–] ditchwitch 31 points (+31|-0)

Literally no one is "cis" everyone deals with weird expectations society places on them what are you even talking about my dudes. You can't base your sense of self on what you think other people think of you. This is the lesson at the end of every high school movie. What are these peoples' therapists doing.

[–] actualdyke 28 points (+28|-0)

I, too, am white and thus privileged.

we know hun

[–] pennygadget 7 points (+7|-0)

I , too, am white and thus privileged.

Sweetie, we figured that out when you identified as "non-binary". LOL

[–] actualdyke 2 points (+2|-0)

LMAO for real. insert that pic of a wound that says 'white guilt' and a person putting on a bandage that says 'nonbinary'

[–] RisingUp 24 points (+24|-0)

These people live in a hall of mirrors. What an absolute nightmare being stuck in her head must be. I’m fucking exhausted just reading that.

[–] penelopekitty [OP] 23 points (+23|-0)

**How Do I Define My Gender if No One Is Watching Me? Without a public eye, who are we? **

By Alex Marzano-Lesnevich Mx. Marzano-Lesnevich writes extensively on transgender issues and is working on a memoir about nonbinary identities.

April 2, 2021, 5:35 a.m. ET When the world went into lockdown five months after I started taking testosterone, I thought it would be easier not to see people for a while. Maybe they wouldn’t hear my voice go scratchy or see up close the hormonal acne splattered across my face. Alone in my apartment, I imagined that all my difficulties in being seen and recognized as transgender-nonbinary would evaporate. No one would gender me except myself; my pronouns would be right there in the text box on my Zoom screen.

So I was surprised by how much my gender instead seemed to almost evaporate. No longer on the alert for how to signal a restaurant’s waitstaff that neither “he” nor “she” applied to me, or for whether colleagues and neighbors would use the right language — devoid of anyone to signal my gender to — I felt, suddenly, amorphous and undefined. It was as though when I had swapped my Oxford shoes and neckties for fuzzy slippers and soft sweatpants, I, too, had lost my sharply tailored definition.

After I podded with two trans friends, the only people I saw from closer than six feet were also nonbinary, neither men nor women. Among us, not only the once ubiquitous binary, but also any gender expectations, had vanished.

Where did my own gender reside, then, if not in sending signals of difference? My friends and I had long joked, “Gender is a social construct!” every time one of us needed shoring up after a messy encounter with the expectations of the gender-conforming heterosexual world. But without that world, we now added a rueful punchline: “Too bad there’s no more ‘social’!”

I would have imagined this new expansiveness would be freeing. Instead, it was at first disorienting. With the gender binary all but gone, what did it mean to be nonbinary? How do I define my gender when I — accustomed to how visible my gender usually makes me — am no longer being watched?

Wanting to understand how others were adjusting to the pandemic change, I reached out to Rebecca Minor, a licensed clinical social worker who works with trans youth. “What’s really struck me,” she told me, “is that removing the peer gaze has allowed for more gender experimentation.”

Ms. Minor is in private practice and estimates that 85 percent of her clients are transgender. She works with teenagers, who are at an age when they spend endless hours watching and being watched. Thanks to Zoom school, she told me, “the peer gaze isn’t entirely gone” — but now it can be controlled. “It removes that feeling that someone sitting in the row behind me might be snickering or looking at what I’m wearing,” she said. It removes, in other words, the policing of gender.

To be sure, Ms. Minor’s clients, who are predominantly white, have resources that have protected them in the pandemic. They have supportive families, health care and economic stability. I, too, am white and thus privileged. Like them, I live in the liberal Northeast. For them, as for me, the time at home has been something of a reprieve.

Ms. Minor told me about the change in one client, a young, white, trans girl who had been struggling in school both socially and academically before the pandemic. “What we’re seeing is someone who finally isn’t having all of their space in their head taken up by worrying about their safety, worrying about other people’s perceptions of them,” Ms. Minor said. In her place was now a star student who had been missing.

A similarly liberating shift happened for Tygra Slarii, a 29-year-old Black performer at a Minneapolis bar, The Saloon. Before the pandemic, Mx. Slarii came out as a woman and had gender-affirming breast augmentation. “That’s what it seemed like everyone was pushing for me to do,” Mx. Slarii said, because people kept asking: “So when are you going to have the surgery? When are you going to get your boobs?”

When Minnesota issued shelter-in-place orders, the extended pause gave Mx. Slarii time to question, and explore the complexity of, gender — and come out again, this time as nonbinary. “My body isn’t a tool for marketing my transition anymore,” Mx. Slarii told me. “I don’t think cis people understand how much their input weighs down on trans people, especially when it comes to transitioning.”

When, during the pandemic, Mx. Slarii pursued a second gender-affirming surgery, a Brazilian butt lift, it was an entirely different emotional experience. This time, the surgery was no longer a means of selling a narrative to be believed and seen; now Mx. Slarii’s body was simply their own.

That said, in recent months, trans youth have been under terrifying legislative attack. And as a group, trans people have been hit hard by the pandemic. In January, researchers at Columbia found that many lost access to gender-affirming health care. The pandemic has exacerbated social inequality and injustice across the board; 16.8 percent of trans respondents reported job loss. It is a population already economically and socially marginalized.

Each time another devastating statistic about trans pain emerges, I remember that trans pain is not the birthright of trans people, but it is foisted on us by a world that perennially refuses to let us define ourselves for ourselves and that too often cares about our visibility only as spectacle, not as recognition. Even we ourselves are not immune from this influence. We all internalize the narratives we grow up with.

So let’s also talk about joy. When the world reopens, I suspect that I will be perceived differently — my voice, now lower, will send different signals than it once did; my face now changed by hormones will be seen anew. I have been transformed by this time alone, in which I have had to shore up who I am without the gaze of others defining it for me.

We have all had to find our own paths over this year; we all learned more about ourselves. And have had to ask: Who are we, when no one is looking? Who are we, without what once both held us back and held us up? Whom do we wish to be?

I asked both Ms. Minor and Mx. Slarii what they hope we carry forward as a society from this pandemic time, and to my surprise they gave the same answer. What they wish for on this year’s International Day of Transgender Visibility is us to be able to see one another, and ourselves, with a more compassionate and nuanced eye. Not as what society tells us we must be, but as who we are.

To do that, I think, would be to truly emerge into a world made new.

Alex Marzano-Lesnevich, an assistant professor of English at Bowdoin College, is the author of “The Fact of a Body: A Murder and a Memoir” and the forthcoming “Both and Neither.”

[–] NotCis 23 points (+23|-0)

It’s pretty clear to me that being trans is rooted in insecurity. It’s not the only contributing factor, but we wouldn’t be seeing endless pieces like this if it wasn’t involved at all. It makes me sad to think that there are some people who might want to continue wearing masks post-pandemic so they don’t get “misgendered” as much. Maybe trans people will also want to continue to stay home to avoid ever interacting with others in the real world. That just seems so limiting, so anti-joy.

[–] Lolo 21 points (+21|-0)

"No longer on the alert for how to signal a restaurant’s waitstaff that neither “he” nor “she” applied to me, or for whether colleagues and neighbors would use the right language — devoid of anyone to signal my gender to —"

🧐🧐🧐

"— accustomed to how visible my gender usually makes me — "

🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔

[–] jvsmine 16 points (+16|-0)

seriously, wow. is this what the fuck these folks were doing with their free time in quarantine?

this is so pathetic. literally anything is better than being sad you can't correct people on your made up bullshit fucking pronouns.

[–] pennygadget 9 points (+9|-0)

this is so pathetic. literally anything is better than being sad you can't correct people on your made up bullshit fucking pronouns.

But if they're not being misgendered by stupid, cis, TERF baristas; how can they whine about their oppression on Tumblr!?!!?

[–] bellatrixbells 10 points (+10|-0)

It's truly amazing how they made up a problem, made up a way to solve it and are now lecturing people about how "X doesn't apply to me" as if it was obvious.

It's like pronouns are sex based, you idiot. Noone will ever be able to tell the difference between a GNC/androgynous looking normal person and an eNbY because there isn't any.

And yet they act all offended because no one saw their speshul gendwer identeetee as if anyone could tell.

So tired.

[–] pennygadget 9 points (+9|-0)

I think I hate the non-binary snowflakes more than the AGPs. They're so insufferable. They literally make up new pronouns & genders and then throw tantrums when normal people can't read their minds and divine that they identify as a "genderfluid demi-boy", prefer "Mx" instead of "mister/miss", and alternate between he, they, and xir pronouns.

[–] Hermione 4 points (+4|-0)

This made me chuckle. I don’t think what you expressed with these emojis could have been expressed in words really.

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