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When I was in my last year of high school back in 2014-2015, I started to become convinced of certain forms of biological determinism and essentialism as I was reading more about biology. This also happened to be around the time that the Gamer Gate controversy was becoming a major part of popular online discussion and, as a consequence, seemed to usher in a revival of far-right ideology. I myself became swept into the movement and slipped straight into the far-right.

I believed that it was a scientific fact that women on average are cognitively and psychologically inferior to men. That there was such a thing as a "female brain" and "male brain." The misogyny of my own beliefs made me hate being female to the point of having mental breakdowns over it, but I eventually learned to preserve my self-esteem by telling myself that I had more of a "male" brain. That I quite literally was not like "the other girls."

I woke up one morning-- feeling quite depressed and pensive, looking up out the window and to the grey skies of the late winter-- and thought to myself, "I wasn't meant to be female." From then on I began to identify as a man.

I stood up straighter, held my head up higher; I was a man, after all. I fantasized about how I would look after transition-- how much muscle I might be able to gain, how much facial hair I might be able to grow. I'd compare my height with that of "other" men, convincing myself that my 5'4'' build wasn't too bad, that there were men my height and even shorter. But, for me, the important thing was that my brain is male. The body will just have to catch up somehow.

Eventually, my brother seemed to have discovered a post I made on a trans forum and asked me on our walk back from school one day "if it was true"-- without specifying exactly what "it" was. I understood what he must have been referring to and, being afraid of word getting out to my parents before I was ready to "come out", said that "it" was just a phase.

I didn't mean that at the time-- I genuinely thought that I was a man, and would eventually begin the transition into my "true self". But eventually, as I delved deeper into the trans community and learned more about the process of transition, I realized that this really was just a phase. What turned me off? In short, it was the fact that my romanticized version of medical transition was anything but reflective of reality. The reality is that a 5'4'' "man" with no natural penis, wide hips, narrow shoulders, mastectomy scars, a balding head, raging acne, and even possible heart problems was not a man worth being at all. My views on women remained the same; I then tried to simply "accept" my place in the world as a "female".

Thankfully, my foray into the far-right was short-lived. Towards the fall of 2015, I became deeply interested in philosophy. It was hard to maintain my far-right, bigoted views when I was occupied with philosophical ideas regarding the human condition-- something which, by definition, all humans share and experience. It also helped that many great contemporary philosophers were themselves women. It was similarly hard to care about the supposed "intellectual inferiority" of women (which I later understood was based on bad science anyway), when women were still out there meaningfully contributing to humanity's philosophical and intellectual advancement.

And I long thought that philosophy cured me of my bigotry, but it was only until a year ago-- when I discovered radical feminism-- that I realized that my views on transgenderism were still a vestige of my old far-right, essentialist ideology. Contrary to what I used to believe, there are no "female brains" and "male brains". Femininity is not, in any way, what defines or makes a woman. With that, my acceptance of the notion that someone born male can be a "woman" disappeared-- and I still have yet to find a single good justification for said notion.

The fact that my brutally and uncompromisingly far-right, misogynistic worldview was so completely consistent with gender ideology and transgenderism seems to show that-- far from being a "revolutionary" or "feminist" breakaway from old gender stereotypes and oppressive gender norms-- the transgender movement seems to be little more than a repackaging of old, patriarchal thinking. I don't believe the argument that trans people are helping us move away from regressive gender norms-- on the contrary, I'm convinced that transgenderism does nothing but affirm them.

When I was in my last year of high school back in 2014-2015, I started to become convinced of certain forms of biological determinism and essentialism as I was reading more about biology. This also happened to be around the time that the Gamer Gate controversy was becoming a major part of popular online discussion and, as a consequence, seemed to usher in a revival of far-right ideology. I myself became swept into the movement and slipped straight into the far-right. I believed that it was a scientific fact that women on average are cognitively and psychologically inferior to men. That there was such a thing as a "female brain" and "male brain." The misogyny of my own beliefs made me hate being female to the point of having mental breakdowns over it, but I eventually learned to preserve my self-esteem by telling myself that I had more of a "male" brain. That I quite literally was not like "the other girls." I woke up one morning-- feeling quite depressed and pensive, looking up out the window and to the grey skies of the late winter-- and thought to myself, "I wasn't meant to be female." From then on I began to identify as a man. I stood up straighter, held my head up higher; I was a *man*, after all. I fantasized about how I would look after transition-- how much muscle I might be able to gain, how much facial hair I might be able to grow. I'd compare my height with that of "other" men, convincing myself that my 5'4'' build wasn't too bad, that there were men my height and even shorter. But, for me, the important thing was that my brain is male. The body will just have to catch up somehow. Eventually, my brother seemed to have discovered a post I made on a trans forum and asked me on our walk back from school one day "if it was true"-- without specifying exactly what "it" was. I understood what he must have been referring to and, being afraid of word getting out to my parents before I was ready to "come out", said that "it" was just a phase. I didn't mean that at the time-- I genuinely thought that I was a man, and would eventually begin the transition into my "true self". But eventually, as I delved deeper into the trans community and learned more about the process of transition, I realized that this really was just a phase. What turned me off? In short, it was the fact that my romanticized version of medical transition was anything but reflective of reality. The reality is that a 5'4'' "man" with no natural penis, wide hips, narrow shoulders, mastectomy scars, a balding head, raging acne, and even possible heart problems was not a man worth being at all. My views on women remained the same; I then tried to simply "accept" my place in the world as a "female". Thankfully, my foray into the far-right was short-lived. Towards the fall of 2015, I became deeply interested in philosophy. It was hard to maintain my far-right, bigoted views when I was occupied with philosophical ideas regarding the human condition-- something which, by definition, all humans share and experience. It also helped that many great contemporary philosophers were themselves women. It was similarly hard to care about the supposed "intellectual inferiority" of women (which I later understood was based on bad science anyway), when women were still out there meaningfully contributing to humanity's philosophical and intellectual advancement. And I long thought that philosophy cured me of my bigotry, but it was only until a year ago-- when I discovered radical feminism-- that I realized that my views on transgenderism were still a vestige of my old far-right, essentialist ideology. Contrary to what I used to believe, there are no "female brains" and "male brains". Femininity is not, in any way, what defines or makes a woman. With that, my acceptance of the notion that someone born male can be a "woman" disappeared-- and I still have yet to find a single good justification for said notion. The fact that my brutally and uncompromisingly far-right, misogynistic worldview was so completely consistent with gender ideology and transgenderism seems to show that-- far from being a "revolutionary" or "feminist" breakaway from old gender stereotypes and oppressive gender norms-- the transgender movement seems to be little more than a repackaging of old, patriarchal thinking. I don't believe the argument that trans people are helping us move away from regressive gender norms-- on the contrary, I'm convinced that transgenderism does nothing but affirm them.

44 comments

[–] hmimperialtortie 63 points (+63|-0)

Thanks for posting this. It’s most interesting and I couldn’t agree more that this allegedly leftist movement is completely right wing- not merely conservative, but reactionary.

But, for me, the important thing was that my brain is male. The body will just have to catch up somehow.

You summed up how ridiculous the idea is, right there. One organ out of all of them somehow belongs to the other sex?

I don't believe the argument that trans people are helping us move away from regressive gender norms-- on the contrary, I'm convinced that transgenderism does nothing but affirm them.

Exactly. They want everyone forced into far more rigid sex stereotypes than already exist, so they (the AGPs) can get their boners by forcing their fetishes on everyone else.

I was still on Manboobz (originally a site to mock MRAs) when Gamergate was on, I think. What strikes me now is that they never once mentioned that “Brianna” Wu is a man. If you’d never heard of him or seen a picture, you’d be fooled into thinking he is a woman. The sell-out had already begun.

[–] [Deleted] 23 points (+23|-0)

I thought Brianna Wu was a Chinese-American woman for the longest time.

[–] hmimperialtortie 21 points (+21|-0)

They were very careful to lie by omission about him, weren’t they?

[–] [Deleted] 3 points (+3|-0)

Yes, absolutely. When I first heard of him, I was still not wise to how willing the media was to flat-out, brazenly lie in the service of white males.

[–] twoxfeminist 4 points (+4|-0)

I had no idea who he was but wtf he's a gay white man whose name makes you assume he's an Asian woman. Insane.

[–] bibliophile 2 points (+2|-0)

oh man back when I first heard about him and didn't know he was a dude, I didn't look too closely and thought it was so nice to see AMWF representation (same as my relationship). Oof.

[–] viragoeternal 13 points (+13|-0)

one of the earliest major contributors to manboobz was a HSTS who also ran the feminist blog 'escher girls'. his contributions to manboobz whole approach would've been instrumental in that fact.

[–] hmimperialtortie 11 points (+11|-0)

Gah, I didn’t know that! I knew one who was definitely an AGP in the latter days, and the eventual cause of a lot of the women there peaking.

[–] viragoeternal 5 points (+5|-0)

oh wow really! the one I reference was a 'truscum' who was feeling very reserved toward the non-binary movement when I last spoke to him, I think around 2013.

[–] questioningtw -1 points (+0|-1)

I know exactly who you are talking about and even contributed to their blog! I actually liked that person and thought they were nice. It really shows the difference between AGP ones and the HSTS ones. The ones that were AGP on there were the ones that caused all the fights.

[–] viragoeternal -1 points (+0|-1)

I liked that person too, we were friends for a while. he would be very uncomfortable with what the AGPS are doing. huge difference between the two.

[–] kalina 11 points (+11|-0)

...I actually didn't know Brianna Wu was a TIM until just now... wow

[–] TerfSedai 6 points (+6|-0)

Uhh wow...neither did I. Those Wikipedia page images are extremely curated compared to what's on Google.

This really changes my whole perspective on Gamergate.

[–] WatcherattheGates 21 points (+21|-0)

Well said, and hearing about your journey was fascinating! I am glad you made it here.

[–] drdee 20 points (+20|-0)

Thank you for sharing this honest account of your intellectual journey. It made me angry that any woman could so easily and unthinkingly accept her 'natural' inferiority to men...but it's what our entire culture tells us; I guess it's more surprising that any woman acknowledges her own individuality, agency, personhood and inner life while seeing it completely unreflected in the wider culture.

I hope you've learned more about the intellectual abilities and contributions of women, individually and collectively--even as a more mature thinker, I found this book a revelation:

https://archive.org/details/womenofideaswhat00spenrich

And this one--a quicker read, but very insightful:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_to_Suppress_Women's_Writing

[–] ditchwitch 19 points (+19|-0) Edited

Thank you for sharing your story & congrats on the recovery. I've come across females with similar beliefs on social media & it's always really sad, it gives me hope to hear about someone waking up from that.

[–] Ishahchai 19 points (+19|-0)

Thank you for sharing. I’m so glad you discovered the freedom of radical feminism.

[–] DiabolicalPinkBunny 👽💕🐇 16 points (+16|-0)

It is exceptionally brave to admit how far you've come in your way of viewing the world; but far more brave to have been willing to have taken your beliefs and analyzed them critically and to have been able to change. Change scares people, because it implies they had been wrong. And nobody likes being wrong. But you are not afraid of the truth, and your courage is a beacon of hope in this upside-down world we're living in. I hope others can have the same courage you displayed!

And welcome to this side of the argument. We have all the cats!

[–] ProxyMusic 16 points (+16|-0)

Thanks for sharing this. What a journey you've had! So glad you made it to a better place. Brava and best wishes.

[–] Turtlefuzz Flairy Godmother 15 points (+15|-0)

Thanks for sharing your story. I'm glad you are doing better, and you escaped without permanently damaging your body. I hope you continue to work towards loving yourself, because it is a lot of work! It's a lot of time and energy to be proud of yourself and who you are. You are on the right path though!

[–] proximo 14 points (+14|-0)

You’re an excellent writer. Thanks so much for sharing!

[–] goatsauce 13 points (+13|-0)

Thank you for posting your story! I know it can be really hard to adapt and change your thinking over time, but it looks like you went where the evidence took you, and that's really admirable! I wonder if a lot of TIFs look at the transition journeys of other women and think "well, I won't look like that when I'm on T" and assume that the woman body shape and health issues just won't be an issue. It's good that your thinking changed before you went down that path!

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